Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Eid Yesterday

It was Eid yesterday. Nothing special really, I had to go to uni so we legged it to one of the early jama'at in Central and then I got dropped there. Started at 10, finished at 6, got home 7. I think mom was a bit annoyed that she had to do the cooking by herself, so i quickly ate something and then just washed the dishes, and went to sleep. Not even any eidy, what's up with that?? Each year Eid just seems to be changing more and more. As kids... it used to be good and awful most of the times and now... it's just dissolving into a slush of apathy. Most muslims were at the school because there was too much going on... and people were really tired and frustrated at having to be there. Nothing really special, it just seemed like another ordinary day. Anyhoo.

I'm extremely tired.

When I first saw that person there and realised exactly what this meant, I just sat there, for about an hour, asked Allah why. Why did this have to happen happen? When I would have taken anything, handled moving to Scotland to avoid this. It was the only thing I really wanted- never having to look upon this person's face. I had so much hate, and anger, and basic fear of having to face up to what happened and the person i'd been moulded into. I'd built up this shelter of repression and denial around me and I knew that seeing on a day to day basis; I wouldn't be able to keep it intact. I spent nearly 4 months with this as the main subject of my private thoughts, and feeling that wry smile spread, whenever I acknowledged the irony. Just- why.

I've finally started to realise the answer to that. Alhamdullilah.